Better Than Perfect Read online

  We’d talked and texted, but I’d only seen my dad once since he’d moved out. In July, I’d had a Wednesday off from Children United, and I’d met him at his office. We’d gotten sandwiches and taken them to a shady spot between two buildings with a waterfall and some benches. My dad called it a park, which seemed like a stretch. As we’d opened our sandwiches and settled onto the bench, I’d tried to remember the last time it had just been the two of us, and the only memory I could come up with was the previous summer, when he and I had done an ice run right before my parents’ big Fourth of July party. Sometimes when I pictured my dad, I pictured his signature on his email.

  It was a broiling day, and my sundress stuck to the backs of my legs. My dad was wearing a tie, but even though he was sweating, he didn’t complain about the heat. He’d grown up without a lot of money and without a lot of the things that my brother and I took for granted, like central air conditioning and sleepaway camp and not having to have jobs after school. It drove him crazy when we left lights on if we weren’t in a room or turned the temperature in the house down to below seventy in the summer.

  My dad asked about my internship and my classes for the fall, but all I really wanted to talk to him about was what was going on with him and my mom. Halfway through my sandwich, I asked him if it was true that he’d gotten tired of being married, which was what my mother said.

  “Juliet,” he’d said, wiping some mayo off the tip of his finger, “does that really sound like me? Do I strike you as a quitter?”

  “No,” I’d answered. Rather than look him in the eye, I watched him open the paper bag on his lap and push his napkin into it. “But it’s not like being married is the same as working.”

  My dad crunched the bag into a ball. “In some ways it is, Juliet. You have to work hard to get through the bad times. But you need someone to meet you halfway.”

  I snapped my head up to look at him. “So you’re saying it’s Mom’s fault? She wouldn’t meet you halfway?”

  “I’m not blaming your mother,” he said patiently. “This is nobody’s fault. I know that’s hard to believe, but it’s the only answer I have for you.” It was what he always said when I asked him to explain what was going on, but this time I stared at him, not saying anything, a terrifying idea suddenly overwhelming me. Was there some awful secret that my parents were keeping from me?

  I kept staring. Like my mother, my father was very good-looking. His hair had some gray in it, but it was still thick, unlike most of my friends’ fathers’. He wore vaguely hipster glasses and, like my mother, he spent money on expensive clothes.

  Had he been having an affair?

  My dad was still talking. “. . . and I’m sorry, Juliet. What matters is that your mom and I both still love you and Oliver very much. We’re still your parents even though we’re not together anymore.”

  He was waiting for me to say something, but the possibility that he’d been unfaithful to my mother was too awful for me to speak it. Instead, I cleared my throat, then forced myself to joke, “Did you get that from a book or something?”

  “What gave it away?” My dad grinned at me and reached over to tousle my hair. “Come on. If we walk a couple of blocks, we can get an ice cream cone for less than four dollars.”

  At the end of lunch, my dad had promised we’d see a lot of each other, more than we had when he was living at the house. We’d agreed to have dinner once a week—either he’d come out to Long Island or I’d stay in Manhattan and meet him after work.

  The first week, he’d canceled because of a work dinner. The second week, he’d had to be out of town until Wednesday night, and he’d asked if I could do Thursday, but I’d said I had my SAT tutor. The third week, the same thing had happened, except he’d asked if we could do Tuesday night.

  “I. Have. My. SAT. Tutor,” I’d said, slowly and carefully, like maybe he wasn’t a native English speaker.

  “I know you have an SAT tutor. I’m sorry, but I thought it was Thursday night, not Tuesday night. Last week it was Thursday. So shoot me.”

  “No, Dad. Last week it was Tuesday and Thursday. And the week before that. And the week before that. In fact, I’ve been meeting my SAT tutor Tuesday and Thursday nights for the past six months. So shoot me. Or, wait. You’re probably too busy to do that, either.”

  He ignored my sarcasm. “What about Saturday night?”

  “Dad, I want to see my friends on Saturday night. It’s the one night everyone doesn’t have to be home early.”

  We’d agreed to have dinner this coming Wednesday. But now, here he was.

  As soon as my dad was next to me, he reached for my hand. Unlike my mom, my dad didn’t look physically different from how he’d looked before. His hair was the same, and he was wearing a blue shirt and a pair of khakis. He’d probably been at work. He and my mom had sometimes fought about how much he worked. “Are you all right?” he asked.

  “Seriously?” I asked, pulling my hand from his.

  “I’m sorry.” He shook his head. “I meant . . . well, you know what I meant.”

  I didn’t, actually, but before I could ask him, the social worker extended her hand and said, “I’m Jordyn Phillips.” I wasn’t sure if she was intentionally interrupting my father and me or if she hadn’t picked up on the tension between us.

  He shook her hand. “My sister-in-law called me and said my wife is here.”

  My father used to refer to my mother as his wife all the time. I believe my wife made a reservation. . . . I’m looking for my wife. . . . Have you met my wife? But now his saying my mother was his wife felt dishonest, even though I knew that technically they were still married.

  I said nothing about their separation, not even when Ms. Phillips said, “Mr. Newman, your wife is resting comfortably. Why don’t we go somewhere we can talk in private?” I followed my dad and Ms. Phillips out of the waiting area and down a hallway lit with bright fluorescent lights.

  We hadn’t gone very far when she opened a gray door. Inside was a small room with a table and two plastic yellow chairs. The room was even more depressing than the waiting room. Were all hospitals so relentlessly awful?

  My father didn’t sit down, so neither did I. Ms. Phillips also stood.

  “Mr. Newman, your wife may have made a suicide attempt.”

  Even though I was the one who’d found her, even though it wasn’t like I’d thought she’d just lain down on the floor to have a nap, I made a funny noise with the back of my throat when Ms. Phillips said that. She and my father turned to look at me.

  “Honey, maybe you should wait outside,” said my dad. His voice was soft, concerned, and I didn’t know what to do with that. By way of answering him, I just shook my head. Once again, he reached for my hand, and this time I let him take it.

  Ms. Phillips opened a folder she’d been carrying and started talking, glancing at it as she spoke. “Your daughter found your wife unconscious on the floor of her bathroom at approximately four o’clock this afternoon. There were several bottles of pills on her night table and in the bathroom with her. Given the dates the prescriptions were filled, it’s difficult to know how many pills she actually took today. Because she had Ambien and Valium in her possession, both of which suppress respiration and which, taken in excess, can be fatal, we pumped her stomach and gave her a dose of ipecac, which is an emetic.”

  “What about the blood?” I asked.

  My father turned to me. “What? What blood?”

  She checked the folder again, then looked up at me. “There is no evidence that your mother had any self-inflicted wounds, though the bottom of one of her feet had a fairly deep cut on it that looked as if it might have been the result of her stepping on a piece of glass. The paramedics said there was water and a broken glass on the floor of the bathroom.”

  Even in the midst of my confusion, I felt a wave of relief so powerful my knees buckled. “So you’re saying she didn’t try to kill herself?”

  But Ms. Phillips was looking at my fat
her. “Do you know anything about your wife’s medication? We’re trying to figure out if she might have accidentally taken more than she was prescribed or if this was an intentional overdose.”

  “I’m not living at home right now,” said my father. Ms. Phillips nodded and made a note on her paper. “But she has sometimes . . . abused prescription medication in the past. And she’s not always careful about mixing drugs and alcohol.”

  “What? That’s not true.” I turned to Ms. Phillips. “It’s not true,” I said again.

  “Juliet,” said my father firmly, “I’m sorry, but it is true.”

  I kept talking to Ms. Phillips. “She’s been depressed off and on all summer because my father left.” I spoke quickly, as if I might not have the chance to finish before my father cut me off.

  “I see,” said Ms. Phillips, and when she wrote something down, I felt like I’d convinced her to believe me and not my dad.

  “Juliet, you are mixing apples and oranges,” said my father. “I’m sorry. I want to respect your mother’s privacy, but this is something the people who are treating her have to know.”

  I stared at my father, seething, as Ms. Phillips finished writing. Then she flipped the folder closed. “The attending psychiatrist has suggested your wife be admitted to the hospital’s psychiatric unit so we can evaluate her. He’ll be out to speak to you soon, but I’d like to get us started on the paperwork so we can transfer her as soon as she’s ready. If you could come with me, I’ll get the insurance information I need.” She nodded toward the door.

  My father rubbed the side of his face as if he had a headache, then realized Ms. Phillips couldn’t get past him. “Sorry,” he said, and he opened the door and held it politely for Ms. Phillips and me to pass through.

  In the hallway, Ms. Phillips started to head back the way we had come, but I said, “Wait.” She turned around.

  “I want to see her.”

  My father and Ms. Phillips were both looking at me. My father spoke first. “Juliet, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”

  I kept my eyes on Ms. Phillips. I knew if I looked at my dad, I’d lose my courage. “I want to see her.”

  “I understand,” said Ms. Phillips. She put her hand on my arm again, and I had the crazy urge to ask if she would let me go home with her.

  I followed Ms. Phillips back into the waiting area, through an enormous set of double doors, and down a wide corridor. There were empty stretchers and gurneys up against the walls, and I wondered if one of them was the one my mom had come in on.

  I’d assumed Ms. Phillips was taking me to a hospital room, but she led me through another, smaller set of double doors, which opened up onto a space bigger than the waiting room. There was a central island with doctors and nurses in it, and all around the outer wall were beds, some of which were curtained off. A symphony of rhythmic beeps filled the space. An older man was on a bed directly in front of me with two elderly women, one on either side of him. One of the women was crying; the other was rocking slightly. I wondered what was wrong with him, and then one of the women turned slightly and saw me watching them. I looked away, embarrassed to have been caught spying.

  Ms. Phillips led me around to the right of the island. When we got to an area where the curtains were closed, she stopped walking.

  “She’s in here,” said Ms. Phillips. “Why don’t I come in with you?”

  It wasn’t until she offered to stay with me that I realized how scared I was to see my mother alone, which was almost worse than anything else that had happened that day.

  “She’ll probably be asleep,” said Ms. Phillips. “But if she isn’t, we’ll just stay a minute and then come on out. Her throat’s probably sore from when they pumped her stomach, so it will be hard for her to talk.”

  I stepped through the curtain behind Ms. Phillips, picturing as I did what it meant to pump somebody’s stomach. My own stomach clenched in sympathy.

  My mother was lying on the bed, propped up slightly on two pillows. They must have taken off her T-shirt, because she was in a hospital gown under some blankets. There was a hairnet over her hair, but a few strands had come out, and they were spread out over the pillow like my mom had put her finger in an electrical outlet. She was asleep, and I watched her chest rise up and down slowly. By the fourth breath I realized I was breathing with her, almost as if she couldn’t do it on her own.

  Almost as if I was afraid she didn’t want to do it on her own.

  I wasn’t sure how much time had passed when Ms. Phillips put her hand on my shoulder. “We should go, honey.”

  I nodded, my throat too thick to try to talk. My mom’s arms lay along her sides, and on the wrist nearest me I saw a hospital bracelet and a ring of dark blue fabric, almost like a ribbon but thicker and closed with what looked like Velcro. I looked at the other wrist, and there was one there also.

  “What are those?” I asked, pointing at the blue fabric and clearing my throat. But even before Ms. Phillips answered me, I knew exactly what they were. They were restraints. My mother was literally tied to her bed.

  Ms. Phillips put her hand on mine and gave it a little squeeze. “Those are so she won’t hurt herself, honey.”

  “Are they . . .” I took a breath, but taking deep breaths wasn’t enough to stop myself from crying anymore. “Are they going to leave them on?” I imagined what it would be like to wake up and find your hands tied to the bed, attempting to jerk them free and finding they were too tightly bound for you to get out of them. I imagined my mother screaming for someone to come get her, how with her wild hair and tied-up wrists she’d seem crazy to whoever answered her call.

  But of course maybe she was crazy. That was the whole reason she was lying here in the first place.

  “We should go,” Ms. Phillips said again, and this time I let her lead me out of the curtained area, back through the big room, and down the hall. It was a relief to have her guide my steps. I didn’t know where I was going, and I was crying too hard to see even if I did.

  Ms. Phillips waited while I washed my face in the bathroom, then walked me through the second set of double doors. She pointed out my dad, who was at the opposite end of the room talking through a wall of Plexiglas to the man at the desk. I wanted to give Ms. Phillips a hug, but she reached out her hand, and so I shook it.

  “Good luck, Juliet,” she said. “I know this is very hard. But we’ll figure out exactly what happened, and then your mom’s going to get whatever help she needs.” I thanked her, said good-bye, and headed over to my dad.

  He was giving the man all of the information I’d been unable to provide, and I stood a few feet away from him and listened while he talked. My mom’s date of birth. Her social security number. Her primary care physician.

  What else did my father know about my mother that I didn’t?

  When he’d finished, he came to where I was standing. “Hi,” he said. He looked tired. Maybe not as tired as my mother, but way more tired than he had an hour ago.

  “Why did you say that stuff about Mom?” I asked, my arms folded across my chest.

  “Juliet, I know there are things we need to talk about, but”—he glanced around the crowded emergency room—“this might not be the best place to have this discussion.”

  “I’d say it’s the perfect place!”

  “Please don’t make a scene, Juliet.”

  I’d already opened my mouth to say something, but when my dad said that, I shut it. Both of my parents hated scenes of any kind. If we were out in public and my brother or I started complaining about something or making a fuss, one of them would say, You’re making a scene, and we were pretty much guaranteed to keep quiet.

  My father put his hand on my shoulder. “I want you to come home with me,” he said.

  I stared at him. “Do you mean my home or your home?”

  He looked surprised, like he’d just assumed I’d know what he meant but also like now that I’d asked, he really wasn’t sure. “Well, why don’t we go ba
ck to the house? I mean back to your”—he stumbled over the word, but only slightly—“house. And tomorrow, once we know more, you can come with me to Manhattan. And we can take it from there.”

  I shook my head.

  “Juliet.”

  I was still shaking my head, faster now and more violently. “No,” I said.

  “Juliet, I know this has been a horrible ordeal. But we need to be practical.”

  “Mom wouldn’t want you staying in the house,” I said, which seemed as practical as anything I might say.

  “She won’t know I stayed there.”

  “I’m not lying to her,” I said, and then I started to cry. “Why did you say that about her?” I put my hand over my eyes.

  He put his other hand on my other shoulder. “Sweetheart.”

  “Stop touching me,” I snapped, and I jerked away from him. A few heads turned our way.

  His hands hung in the air briefly before he dropped them to his sides. “You’ve had a terrible day. I know that. And I’m sorry we haven’t had a chance to talk about . . . everything. It’s my fault. I know that. But right now I am trying to think of what’s best for you.” He kept his voice calm the whole time he was talking.

  I’d always liked having a handsome father, but tonight his edgy glasses and crisp, perfectly fitted oxford just irritated me.

  “I’m not going with you, Dad,” I said, still shaking my head. Snot and tears were dripping down my face, but I didn’t care. “I’m not.” I took a step away from him and toward the exit.

  “Juliet, we need to talk.”

  “I can’t talk to you,” I said, walking backward toward the exit. “I’m going to Sofia’s.” I turned around and started walking faster.

  “Juliet!” he called.

  He didn’t run after me, though. I’d known he wouldn’t.

  It would have meant making a scene.

  5

  Standing in the parking lot, amazed that so much had happened and yet it was still light out, I realized I didn’t have my car. It reminded me of being an underclassman, when Sofia and I would go to Roosevelt Field Mall or the Miracle Mile and then have to call one of our mothers to come get us. Well, it wasn’t like my mother could come get me now. I crossed the street and walked into a pub with MCMANUS’S written across the front in loopy green neon. Inside, everything was either dark wood or green. It was the kind of bar Sofia and I had discovered we could usually get served in even without fake IDs. Standing next to the hostess’s podium, I couldn’t imagine how walking into a bar, ordering a glass of wine, and getting it handed to me had ever made me happy and giggly or how it ever would again.